We need a laugh….because….well, the world!

March 12, 2014 at 11:58 am (By Ron)

I got this from a Tumblr post….sorry for the length but I hope you enjoy it.

 

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATT ORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless th e Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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10 Comments

  1. U Farquar said,

    Those are long time favorites of mine. I used to proofread depositions and would like to testify that those kind of questions and answers occur all the time.

    Hey LouiseM – are you here?

  2. mockturtle said,

    LOL! Thanks, Ron. I needed that! :-D

  3. Icepick said,

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    LOL, I’m suspecting that the questioning attorney lost the case right exactly THEN. If he wasn’t a state attorney (that isn’t given) whoever had hired him probably had a strong case for appeal based on incompetent representation.

  4. U Farquar said,

    Okay, I just remembered one that I read in a dep a while back – this really happened and needs to be added to that list:

    Atty: Can a death certificate be used to make a diagnosis?

    Doc being deposed: No, at that point the patient is dead.

    Lawyers – ruining this country one case at a time.

  5. Melinda Bruno said,

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral…

    LOL!!!

    Gotta love those literal thinkers.

  6. LouiseM said,

    Hey LouiseM – are you here?

    When I remember to stop by, I am! It’s a nice place to be, with enough quiet for deep thoughts and enough room for laugher!

  7. LouiseM said,

    No auto-correct or preview, however, so the laugher and the laughter become mixed.

  8. karen said,

    Melinda- that was my favorite one!!

  9. U Farquar said,

    That’s what I was thinking – a nice place to visit while the sun is rising and a new day is beginning. The yard is full of robins and the tea is steeping – a wondrous gift indeed.

  10. Donna B. said,

    Before the internet, I used to have to wait for the next issue of the Texas Bar Journal for good legal humor. Buchmeyer’s “et cetera” column picked on witnesses, judges, and lawyers equally. Here’s one of my witness favorites:

    excerpt “from a hearing in a suit to establish paternity filed in the 181st District Court, the Honorable Samuel C. Kiser presiding.”

    The mother was represented by Arnold N. Miller and the father by Mary Louise Kibbey.

    Q. Before we begin, I need to tell you that because my client is acknowledging paternity, all we will be addressing today will be child support.

    A. (No reply.)

    Q. Do you understand that? My client is acknowledging that he is the father of this child, so all we will be talking about will be the amount of child support. Do you understand that?

    A. No.

    Q. Well, the paternity test came back over 99 percent proof positive that my client is the father. We just need to set the amount of child support today.

    A. Well – what did I score?

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