I saw a story today that was so perfectly awful I can’t believe it is true. It seemed like every sentence made it worse! let’s start with the headline.
Okay, right off the bad this sounds too funny to be true.
BERLIN (Reuters) –
Even the by-line makes the thing sound more unbelievable! Berlin? A story about an undertaker suing a domanatrix for the infliction of pain MUST take place in Germany! The fact that it actually is just seems too incredible. (There will be far too much use of the word ‘too’ in this post.)
A German court has ordered a dominatrix to pay 200 euros ($260) to a local charity as a penance after a client accused her of hurting and robbing him.
She had to pay penance to a charity for thrashing some undertaker?
Cologne district court spokesman Dirk Esser said the plaintiff had accused the woman he hired for sex last month of holding a kitchen knife to his throat before demanding his debit card and PIN number.
The guys name is Dirk, he’s an undertaker, he hired a dominatrix and is upset that she held a knife to his throat and made him do things? You actually CAN make this stuff up! But I can’t believe it really happened. Surely the guys name was Rolf, or he was an accountant, or he didn’t know he was hiring a dominatrix, or something!
The plaintiff, a 49-year-old undertaker, also said the woman had detained him against his will for five hours.
Um, perhaps he didn’t understand what a dominatrix is for?
The court decided that it was impossible to know for sure what really happened because both parties had consumed too much cocaine during their encounter.
AND it was coke-fueled?! This is just too freakin’* incredible!
* I use ‘freakin” because what else would be appropriate?
It dropped the charges but ordered the prostitute to pay the “penance money” to a charity that supports crime victims.
They can do that?! How strange! “Well, we don’t know that you actually committed a crime, but what the Hell, go give some money to charity!” Couldn’t she have just said some extra “Hail Marys” instead?
The 35-year-old mother of four has been in pre-trial custody for the past five weeks, but declined to be compensated for time spent in jail, Esser said.
Of course she’s a mother. And of course she refused to be compensated for five weeks in jail. Right, this all makes perfect sense.
The dominatrix denied keeping the man against his will, adding that he had also asked if a transsexual colleague could join them.
Of COURSE a transsexual colleague would somehow be involved!
The only things this story missed are midgets and ponies. But other than that, it’s too freakin’ freaky to be true. Right? RIGHT?!