This story can’t possibly be true.

October 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm (Icepick)

I saw a story today that was so perfectly awful I can’t believe it is true. It seemed like every sentence made it worse! let’s start with the headline.

Dominatrix Sued For Pain And Theft By German Undertaker

Okay, right off the bad this sounds too funny to be true.

BERLIN (Reuters) –

Even the by-line makes the thing sound more unbelievable! Berlin? A story about an undertaker suing a domanatrix for the infliction of pain MUST take place in Germany! The fact that it actually is just seems too incredible. (There will be far too much use of the word ‘too’ in this post.)

A German court has ordered a dominatrix to pay 200 euros ($260) to a local charity as a penance after a client accused her of hurting and robbing him.

She had to pay penance to a charity for thrashing some undertaker?

Cologne district court spokesman Dirk Esser said the plaintiff had accused the woman he hired for sex last month of holding a kitchen knife to his throat before demanding his debit card and PIN number.

The guys name is Dirk, he’s an undertaker, he hired a dominatrix and is upset that she held a knife to his throat and made him do things? You actually CAN make this stuff up! But I can’t believe it really happened. Surely the guys name was Rolf, or he was an accountant, or he didn’t know he was hiring a dominatrix, or something!

The plaintiff, a 49-year-old undertaker, also said the woman had detained him against his will for five hours.

Um, perhaps he didn’t understand what a dominatrix is for?

The court decided that it was impossible to know for sure what really happened because both parties had consumed too much cocaine during their encounter.

AND it was coke-fueled?! This is just too freakin’* incredible!

* I use ‘freakin” because what else would be appropriate?

It dropped the charges but ordered the prostitute to pay the “penance money” to a charity that supports crime victims.

They can do that?! How strange! “Well, we don’t know that you actually committed a crime, but what the Hell, go give some money to charity!” Couldn’t she have just said some extra “Hail Marys” instead?

The 35-year-old mother of four has been in pre-trial custody for the past five weeks, but declined to be compensated for time spent in jail, Esser said.

Of course she’s a mother. And of course she refused to be compensated for five weeks in jail. Right, this all makes perfect sense.

The dominatrix denied keeping the man against his will, adding that he had also asked if a transsexual colleague could join them.

Of COURSE a transsexual colleague would somehow be involved!

The only things this story missed are midgets and ponies. But other than that, it’s too freakin’ freaky to be true. Right? RIGHT?!

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20 Comments

  1. Icepick said,

    I’ve been trying to work on two other posts, but they require a little bit of thought. And unfortunately my daughter broke containment from her crib about ten days ago, so I find that I have very little energy left to think when she finally goes to sleep. They’ll be a little better than this.

    I’ve also got the occasional bit of political stuff up at my own place from time to time. I don’t really want to do that stuff here, though, so if that’s your bag you can come argue with an insane person over there,

  2. mockturtle said,

    The only things this story missed are midgets and ponies. LOL!

    But other than that, it’s too freakin’ freaky to be true. Right? RIGHT?! WRONG! Truth really is stranger than fiction. If you wrote fiction like this, no one would buy it.

  3. amba (Annie Gottlieb) said,

    Onion, eat your heart out!

  4. kngfish said,

    Meanwhile, here in Ann Arbor, some guy agrees to meet a hooker in a hotel….but when she decides to raise the price, he calls the cops to complain that he’s being ripped off! Arrests were made….

    Hooboy!

  5. Donna B. said,

    Ponies? Of course! You know all about bronies and little ponies, right?

    On a serious note: “penance money” is doing a booming business in the U.S. too. See: counseling in lieu of conviction.

  6. Icepick said,

    Arrests were made….

    They should have been! Breach of contract! Price gouging! These outrages cannot be permitted!

    And Donna B, I do believe I had heard of that before and then put up a memory block. I will now have to do so again….

  7. karen said,

    Damn, ice. I’d like to know what a bronie IS?
    Wouldn’t i?

  8. mockturtle said,

    I don’t know and don’t want to know. :-\

  9. Icepick said,

    I’d like to know what a bronie IS?
    Wouldn’t i?

    My memory block tells me that you wouldn’t.

  10. Donna B. said,

    Friendship is magic, Ice. Magic.

    While keeping my granddaughters for 10 days… toward the end of the afternoon when I was exhausted and considering ways to keep them still and in the same room with me for an hour, a My Little Pony episode was definitely my first choice.

  11. kngfish said,

    AHH!!! Bronies are people who have made a psychosexual fetish out of “My Little Pony” and the various “characters” within…

  12. dustbury.com » For the touch of your whips, dear said,

    […] (Via Icepick.) […]

  13. karen said,

    Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, CheeriLee, Tula Rula- i just asked my two girls for names of the Little Ponies:0). Those are the ones they remember.
    Yeah- i’d much rather keep my bit ‘o innocence on the brawny bronie thingie.

  14. Donna B. said,

    My oldest daughter was the right age for the first incarnation of My Little Pony and my granddaughters are here for the 2nd one. The 2nd is better. I’m definitely an adult fan of My Little Pony. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that the seed of its success among young men was fathers watching it with their daughters.

    FWIW, my 2nd choice to keep the girls entertained and quiet for a while was one of the Barbie movies. I expected these to be horrible. They aren’t. Neither is most of the princess stuff.

    Angelina Ballerina… now, that’s horrible. Thomas the Train is pretty awful too. SpongeBob, Yo Gabba Gabba, nihao kailan are also simultaneously mind-numbing and painful.

  15. karen said,

    I agree about the Barbie movies, Donna- i love listening to the singing and the story. These Barbies are modest and lovely.

    I love Little Bill- man, i miss him. And, Arthur and Franklin(the turtle).
    And, Pooh. I bet i have watched more animated kids movies in my life than movies for folk my own age(i was going to say ~adult~ movies, but that sounded wrong).

    My Mom does a great impression of Curious George.

  16. karen said,

    Via Instapundit- via Powerline(sorry, no linky- i stinky):

    “Lastly (for now), I noted yesterday some evidence that Romney may be doing well with some segments of the Jewish vote. Well, the Chicago Jewish Star has endorsed Romney:

    Finally we like Mr. Romney in comparison to his opponent. The administration of Barack Obama has been a failure. . .

    Contrary to the implications of Mr. Obama’s 2008 statement, Americans provided for the sick before his time; the rise of the oceans did not begin “to slow” and our planet did not begin “to heal”- not in a metaphoric sense and not in a real one. . .

    Mr. Obama’s unsatisfactory direction for America was rooted in untenable assumptions, fueled by arrogance, and promoted by divisiveness. We don’t need more of that.

    It is not only that Mr. Obama thus deserves to be a one-term proposition; it is that Mr. Romney is simply the better bet for our country.”

    I hope the Truth comes out about Bengazi next Monday night @the 3rd debate.

  17. Icepick said,

    Karen, the most important thing at this point is that Romney has started cracking 50% in various polls, and Obama isn’t. As the incumbent Obama ought to be able to crack 50% by now if he’s going to win.yesterday I saw some polling of states that Obama should win (like Michigan) and he STILL hadn’t topped 50% there, either. Now is Obama going to win Michigan? Probably. But the fact that it isn’t definite spells trouble for him.

  18. karen said,

    I think that i believe Obama will end up winning again.
    It pains me to say this.
    It’s like i tell my friend that’s are soooo unhappy in her relationship(& not married)- why stay? Why not jump off the train when you see the boken tracks ahead?

    Anyway- what do i know.

  19. Icepick said,

    I wouldn’t be too sure of Obama’s re-election. For one thing the anti-Obama/pro-Romney mood in Central Florida (we’re the swing region in the state) is MUCH higher than it was when McCain was running.

  20. karen said,

    Maybe y’all are just waiting for Alicia Silverstone to tell all the parents/grands what a great Hope there is in Obama.

    Wonder where she is?

    Hmmm- wonder what ~boken~ tracks are, really?

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