(from an e-mail and a journal)
I miss J on so many levels, whether as a problem, challenge, or joy — it was all one. I feel sort of shrunken and diminished. My nervous system is used to being stretched almost beyond its limit, my heart stretched wide — passively. I didn’t have to go seeking challenge and stimulation, I didn’t have to generate it — it was plopped down in the middle of my life. My life force was entirely a response to one which was so outsized. My nervous system is just dead in the water in the absence of that. It doesn’t know what to do with itself, except put itself in the way of trouble, and there’s no kind of trouble it likes worth a damn. J was some high-class trouble.