Here I am a day late! Ah, well…. I enclose my younger self to show you the proper Christmas sass:
I, of course, engaged in the usual Christmas Watching Of The Die Hard (“Now I have a machine gun! Ho Ho Ho”)
I am staying at a friends place for the moment, so no Ron freezing stories….I’m not in the perfect position, but things are ok for now. I hope you all had an excellent holiday!
You know of what I speak! That day when you are at the peak of your powers in life, when you assemble your Marshals and Colors to deal with foes that seem intractable! Everyone warned you about them; you heeded them not! You knew what glories awaited you! You knew what strength of will, what courage, what esprit, what — dare I say it! — joie de vivre brought you to this field for this, your greatest of triumphs!
I always use this day as a beacon to look forward. Much has been poor for me for a long time….perhaps I have lived on my Elba already! But I can’t give up on life when so manypositives are on the horizon. I wish all of you that same vision in your life….do not merely endure; Triumph!
Addendum: As you can now see… I embrace the concept fully!
Hi Folks, Ron here…
Remember that back pain I mentioned? Yeah….still there! Monday I had to walk 7-8 blocks to see my disability attorney and by the time I got there my back rebelled and I fell in the lawyers office! I caught myself, and I guess if you’re going to fall that’s the place to do it! I suffered in bed with it the next two days…but Thursday I had to leave the hotel I’m at (I’m a bit behind!) but the hotel manager is very nice (she’s been very patient with moi) and left my stuff there to see if I could get help from a church 4 blocks away. No such luck, and I fell twice walking there! (caught myself the first time and sort of rolled on my shoulder and didn’t try to stop it with my hands) and walked back to the hotel where I said I have to go to the ER. I was in 2 ER’s that evening, getting some drug to relax my back, (which only partially worked) and then to have long chats about depression with psychs in their ER. I didn’t really sleep (in fits in a chair) and in the morning…I went to the Y where I spent the day. But still having problems walking (I slipped and banged my head into a concrete wall. Poor wall….) I went BACK to the ER, where they let me sleep on a stretcher most of the night and gave me more drugs, and a script. This morning, I had to wait 5 hours for a cab (it’s football game day here!) and went back to the Y…which closed at 7. So I’m here in a coffeehouse for a bit….and then…I have no idea. The Y opens again at 7am. Until then who knows where I’ll be. Every damn social services agency has been zero help and a pox on them all!
Sorry for the ramble; but I try to keep it honest.
Addendum: So what happened? I tried to wait outside for the Y to open….but it was too cold and the feeling of being left out in the cold (literally!) overwhelmed me and I went back the ER…again. But last night I almost made it all the way through but I just couldn’t sleep and am now in the Y but totally exhausted.
Many things go forward, but more go backward. I persevere.
My back has been killin’ me lately…I couldn’t sleep last night on it, but I was so tired I wound up sleeping during the day. Ugh. But the writing continues apace. I’m in the zone….I know this because my mind is going full bore and twenty different things at once. I snag some of these things out of the air and wring them into the prose. I catch myself singing a lot while I write….not even being aware for some time that I’m doing so. I’ll get up and pace around when I’m stuck….and I can’t even describe how my brain has gone into another gear. It’s thoughts, feelings, sights and sounds all swirling around the Great Red Spot of my overheated noggin. Sometimes it feels amazing….but sometimes it’s a damn nightmare! I woke up three nights ago because two of my characters “beat me up” in a dream and threw my body out onto a busy roadway to get run over. But it’s all grist as they say.
Thanks for listening to my goofy ramblings.
I’m in the middle of a lot of grief, ok? I have a lot to deal with, not many resources, (but I’m a beotch with the ones I do have) and a psychological state that….could be better. Naturally, my mind has decided that it’s time to start writing again. Oy.
Now some of this interest has come from recent encouragement right here on this blog! Never think that a kind word goes unheard. I need so many….but that’s another story. But I saw the architecture and heard the music in my mind and I had to smelt it down into letters and words and sentences and paragraphs. And I am doing that now. No, I’m not putting it on here…at least not yet.
There is a part of me that really wishes I didn’t have this monkey on my back or that I could somehow tame it to fetch coins from me. I’m willing to be the organ grinder. But when I’m here, the diamond that catches each damn photon and reflects it back outwards, away from me, back towards YOU the reader, it’s when I’m happiest…and saddest and most afraid. I wish I could just make it pretty, useful, productive, but the light is the light. Often necessary even if it blinds. I recoil when I write some of the things I do. But that’s just “me.” Maybe I realize I’m not all important and so I shut up and play my guitar. Let others decide if it’s music. Brian Eno once said that while you’re working on it a piece of art is all yours, but when you “finish” it then it belongs to the world. People read into it what they will and there isn’t much you can do about that.
Back to it! Love to you all.
In case you missed it…Yogi Berra passed away recently at 90. 10 Rings, 3 MVPs…. The catcher in the winningist period for the winningist franchise in baseball history. 5 straight World Series titles! (1949-1953)
And I didn’t even mention the humor of the man…. Thanks for everything Yogi!
Ok, I thought I’d put up a picture from James Lilek’s Gallery of Regrettable Food to put an image on our Meatloaf Memories:
The meatloaf itself looks like we could count the rings and figure out when it was made. If that is not accurate enough, we can probably do some carbon-14 dating on that crust. All that work on those radishes! And no one will eat them…
I don’t know what that gold pot on the right is….rolls, maybe? Ice? But I am loving those salt and pepper shakers…very Space Age! They clearly need theme music!
The glow of those chicken wings indicates the sorrow of having chicken during the era of above ground testing of nuclear weapons. At least when you eat them you’ll irradiate any potential cancers you might get….
Those weirdo lumpy things with the lemon wedges between them? Disturbing what lobster looked like a mere 40 years ago…
Let’s end on that lovely gravy boat….mmmm….gravy!
This morning I woke up craving meatloaf for some reason. Not that I wanted meatloaf for breakfast, mind you….but maybe that wouldn’t be bad with a sunny side up egg on top and some hash browns on the side. Hmmm…
Oh. Yes, I’m writing a post. I drift back now to remember my mother’s meatloaf, which is indeed a fond memory. It had the right amount of hard crust that I don’t see enough on “modern” meatloaf. I remember it being peppery and more importantly, good days later. Does anyone still make meatloaf sandwiches? I remember those as well. I suppose we don’t…not “nouvelle” enough for us!
So why do I recount this to you, today? It occurred to me in sort of a shock one time that mom’s cooking was rather limited. She only made a few things, and those few things stayed in a rotation forever. There was no “experimenting” with cooking, except maybe cake baking. She was appalled when I went to cook at an Italian restaurant; all that garlic! I would come home from a shift in the restaurant smelling of garlic and she’d give me the evil eye which said I had to take a shower, but even after a shower I still smelled of garlic. The mother of the restaurant owner would give me things to take home for my family; salami, mortadella, soppersata, big chucks of parmesan, and I would be the only one who would eat it! I loved it all, but my family viewed it as alien. It’s strange to say in an American home, but pizza for us was a novelty. Only purchased, never made, pizza would be viewed as “acceptable” at best. It’s funny to think of how much we take what we currently do for granted and project backwards. I want to say my mother was a good cook, but is that so? But maybe she got it right; make half a dozen things really well, not a 100 things half assed.
But back to that meatloaf for breakfast idea….mmmmm……
This is a small memory….but one I’ve never forgot.
As kids we played a lot of baseball. A lot of baseball. Did we have organized leagues with adult supervision? Hell, no! Kids vs kids….we taught ourselves. And I’m certain we would have pounded the snot of formal little league teams; we played with a viciousness more associated with 19th century baseball than the polite sport we play today. By practice and constant reading we learned how to play the game right; bunting, baserunning, hitting the cut off man with throws from the outfield, reading pitches….if you didn’t learn this stuff you didn’t play. As a kid I had a good arm, so I played 3rd, right field, and would often pitch. I loved to pitch, but wasn’t very good at it because of control. And what we used to do as pitchers! Everything today that would be heavily frowned on! Breaking pitches, goofy curves, evil, evil, evil screwballs; I wonder how many of our pitchers wound up with messed up arms. Screwballs were the worst; you rotate your arm in the opposite direction of what is natural to get the strange break. I remember pitching 2 9 inning games one hot day and the next day my arm and shoulder were so sore it hurt to comb my hair. I lost track of the number of kids I hit in the head or ribs trying to pitch inside.
But this story is not about my numerous poor efforts on the mound; it’s about hitting. For years I used a thick handled 44 oz “Harry Heilmann” bat that didn’t have a knob on the end of it. I had to make a knob out of electrical tape! But that day….I had saved my pennies and bought a 32 oz slim-handled “Hank Aaron”. It felt like I was swinging a wiffle bat! I was ready to rip!
There was a big kid whose name I’ve forgotten who used to get me out all the time. I just couldn’t “read” him; I couldn’t tell his fastball from his curve or slider based on his release and I’d usually guess wrong. But with my new quick bat, I was seeing and guessing a lot better!
And then he threw me the pitch I’ve never forgot….I saw it before his hand came over the top of his shoulder and I said in my own voice in my head, “Well…there’s a nice fastball!” Almost 50 years later I can still hear and see that memory like it just happened. I could see the spin and the name of the league president on the ball as it headed plateward. Everything mechanical in my body “knew” what to do and I absolutely powered that baseball. The center fielder took two steps back and conceded it was way past him into the HR area. No showboating; I put my head down and ran out the HR. That pitcher gave me a lot of respect after that; he didn’t think I could do that to his pitches.
How many such little tiny victories do we get in life? The sublime melding of skills, opportunity, execution….it’s what we want in so many ways and never get. Something is usually missing. My whole life seems to me like a Wagnerian opera of failure; just when I think I couldn’t be stupider I prove myself wrong. But that day…..that at bat….that I’ll always remember. I suspect this is closer to the way we experience joy in sports than winning The Big Game, or The Championship.
The storm troops of cancer
burst in on the family dinner,
brute shoulder to the door
dull gray-green fabric tight
over meat malleus as bronze
smearing the candles,
dislocating the delicate jaw,
incinerating the snowflake of order
tatted by held-breath billions of years.