I have a few thoughts on how we are “tranisitioning” (to use a modern buzzword) away from work as fast as we can. Posted over at The End of Work
I got this from a Tumblr post….sorry for the length but I hope you enjoy it.
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATT ORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless th e Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
The French Licorne (“Unicorn”) test in 1970. I’m thinkin…..t-shirt?
I was a bit disappointed by the first episode of the new COSMOS series, (That Big Bang explosion looked more like ‘Otto blew up the white phosphorus factory again’ then the Beginning Of Everything. And the Cosmic Calender? Groan! Can’t we have newer more creative metaphor?) but did you notice Neil deGrasse Tyson
looks a lot like Isaac the Bartender from The Love Boat?
“While you’re explaining the Higgs boson to the masses as we pass Saturn, I’d like a Fuzzy Navel, please!”
I sent the following as an email to our Glorious Blogmistress and she asked me to repost it here! Enjoy!
Thinking it through a bit more, I’m even more disappointed in COSMOS.
We’ve now seen more interesting footage, REAL footage mind you, not stills, of some of the planets than their animators made.
The whole thing felt wheezy. Nothing fresh! Bruno looked like Space Jesus as seen by Pixar. (“Goy Story”?)
Unlike in Sagan’s day, we’ve had 30+ years of looking at some hellfire explosions from Hollywood, so the bar is pretty high. They seemed to be going through the motions. (personal fav? At the end of Broken Arrow, John Travolta 1.) wins a brawl with Christian Slater but is 2.) impaled by a cruise missile in 3.) the middle of an exploding fireball in 4.) the middle of a train wreck! Now THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about!)
Even worse the whole thing is produced/written by Brannon Braga, most famous for his work — 25 years ago now — on Star Trek:The Next Generation. Some of the COSMOS tracking shots and camera angles(!) looked like NextGen! Which would be fine if this were 1988, but hey, can’t we do new?
I wish I had a rocks glass to hold this cherry and a true Old Fashioned…..Happy Presidents Day!
Happy 119th Babe! (like he would have made it this far!) The greatest 20th Century example of Unrestrained Id. Eat it, Drink it, Have Sex with it, Smoke it….Ruth is always good for that! Ruth used bats that were 40 to 54 ounces, very, very heavy bats!
Added: Since in the comments Lem uses the word “Ruthian”, I think it only fair to give you a bit more!
Here’s the Babe tossing Baby Ruth candy bars to the right field crowd!
Ruth and pal Lou Gehrig (their uniform numbers were 3 and 4….where they hit in the lineup!) And the small guy in the middle? Then manager Miller Huggins, whom Ruth dangled by his ankles out the window of a moving train to “celebrate” winning the 1928 World Series!
When Ruth died in August 1948 (2 years younger than me!) he lay in state at Yankee Stadium for 3 days. The Yankees sent up lines on each side of him so over 100,000 people could pay their respects….
Yeah, January 31st!
So, after a crazy year where am I? Have things gotten better? Worse? The same?
Overall, I’d say things are cautiously better. I’m out of a bad living situation, and while where I am is still tentative and not really where I want to be ultimately, it’s far better than things were last spring. My health…is better too, but s-l-o-w-l-y over what it was. Of the two illnesses I had last June, one is gone completely and the other…is still there, but far better. My leg illnesses is First World War like; lots of energy expended for gradual improvements. But they are improvements! I figure when I take the dirt nap I’ll be in great shape! Hmmm……
Mentally, things are much better, but not really for rational reasons! I think I see so many folks around me my age, tired, cranky, defeated, frustrated that they realize they aren’t going to be Mick Jagger (or Tom Wolfe, if you want to get a bit more toney) and I feel oddly fresher than when I was 25. As with most good things in my life I have to give credit for this to Nietzsche. He’s the only writer I’ve ever read that has given me a workout and energy for life for decades. Even when I flag, that Zarathustrean esprit carries me through. As he said of Goethe, Nietzsche has “disciplined me to gentleness and a wisdom full of pranks.” You’ve all suffered through my puns; I can’t help it, that’s where I find that crackle, that lightning charge, that goofy delight in life and learning. Feh, on stodginess and seriousness. Astaire has taught me the virtue of light feet. (This from the guy with the swollen leg!)
There’s so much to do…and not enough resources, funds, and time. But we do what we can; writing here continues apace, and I even can find my peace and joy in it. I don’t edit myself anymore; why bother? Just go with where your finger energy takes you and figure it out later.
Among the goofy ideas I’d like to do…
See that ’49 Cadillac? I’d like to get something like that…..and make it a hybrid. It wouldn’t be too hard I think, and the idea of getting say, 25 mpg, out of a tank like that has a lot of contrarian appeal.
Plus…lets look for a partner to do this:
Love to you all, especially our Greenwich Floridian and Hostess, just for setting this whole shee-bang up!
Checkout the birthday card from my very sweet amiga, Lela Dowling!
Here’s Buddy Holly on The Ed Sullivan Show, 56 years ago today! (I have another copy of this video with the actual date) Five days later….the US launches it’s first space satellite Explorer I …. and I showed up. Leave your brickbats in the comments!